right on.

So today is my birthday.
I usually try to avoid mentioning this, because I hate when other girls do. I think it sounds petty and annoying, and I am just oh so into not being petty and annoying because I'm think I'm soooo above that. But come on, I'm just like everyone else. I'm way into myself. Just look how many times I've just said the word "I" and all it's variants. I fucking love me.
So I guess I'm posting in this very scantily clad blog because I have a lot on my mind that I can't put into Facebook notes because they're just too ugh. But I put them here rather than a real journal because I subconsciously hope that someone will read them. How sad.

Things on my mind:
a. The ever-pressing issue of the Patterson boy.
b. The not-so-pressing, but still distressing issue of how I should feel about my ex.
c. The fact that I'm an academic and financial failure.

Let's begin.

a. So I was kindof, not really, dating Bobby Patterson for the first couple weeks of October. And it was intense, but exciting. And basically, he said some very pretty things that I fell for, and now I've gone and fallen for him even though I should know better. And its funny because the whole time this fiasco was unfolding, I was quietly telling myself to be careful. Because if the past is any indicator of the future, I knew that he would most likely fuck me over. And guess what! He did. Like I knew, like his mom, like his brothers, like everyone KNEW he would. Because he's just so obsessed with going through his little period of self-loathing. Which, as Grace says, is very romantic of him, but come on. Cut the shit. I know him. I barely know him, but I know him. I know every single tick and fold of his soul. I don't know why or how, but I just do. And I know that this isn't how it's supposed to be. Maybe we're not supposed to be together, but it is not supposed to be like this, both of us bitter and unsettled with all these emotions loose between us. It's interesting--I cry about this almost every night. And yet, I understand what he's saying. I just don't think they're the right words. I don't think it's denial, it's just recognition. Or maybe I've gone completely up the bend.

b. I broke up with my boyfriend of one year, three months, and ten days, Jon Coombs on October 4th, 2009. It was a gentle breakup, but I caused a lot of pain. I feel like a complete and total bitch because I don't feel worse about it. I know I should. He was a huge part of my life, and has given me so much. He made me into a genuinely happy person, and I'm so fortunate. But I know myself, and I know that things change, people change. What made me a happy girlfriend before, didn't make me happy now. And I know that I would have ended up resenting the circumstances life was giving us--an ocean's distance. Which would have translated into resentment for him, even though it would never have been his fault. I'm just not strong enough. So I ended it like a cruel bitch.
Maybe this is what Bobby is talking about--he knows what will happen, and so he's doing everyone a great big favor. But I guess I'm blinded, and can't see it that way.

c. I have a big refund check sitting in the Bursar's office at school, but I'm too fucking lazy to go pick it up, so I'm spending my checking account like a Suffolk girl. I should go get it tomorrow...god I'm lazy.

Ok, I'm done. I'm an idiot, but what's new. A newly minted 20 year old idiot. whoooo!